Heavy Things

I'm feeling like I'm a depressing blogger right now. I can't really think of much to blog about but the obvious. I feel like I'm just sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't focus on much of anything. I was thinking about this today- I feel like I did the last month of my pregnancy with Corinne. Waiting, knowing that she would be coming soon- but not sure when. It's the same waiting for the inevitable with my Dad. We all know he's going to die, and we're hoping that it's sooner then later (and those are his wishes as well) but we don't know when that's going to happen. It could be in an hour- it could be in a week or a month even. Sort of like labor when it does finally happen I've never felt 'ready'. I always thought I was, I'd spent months preparing- but then all of a sudden there was no looking back and I wanted to change my mind (and couldn't). I feel the same now. I've been expecting this for a while now- but now that it's upon us I'm not ready- although I don't know how I'll ever be.

We're back

Our visit went well. We mostly just all sat and talked in the same room as my Dad and he slept through a lot of it. Extra people around really wear him out a lot. He can't communicate hardly at all. When he does talk it's slurred and doesn't always make sense. He's grumpy and in pain and is very emotional. He can't walk and can hardly stand. He can't use his right hand at all and so a lot of the time my mom feeds him since he can't use his left hand very well coordination-wise. He's very vocal about being ready to die. He kept praying aloud while we were there, 'Heavenly Father take me home, let me come home.' If there was ever a doubt in my mind that he's ready it's gone now. He asked Ashley to stop praying for him to get better. He told her (the best that he could and with my mom and I helping out) that he was ready to die and go home to live with Heavenly Father. That his body was sick and wasn't going to get better and that he couldn't do anything anymore. Honestly I don't know that he'll still be alive in 9 days when I go back up. But at the same time it wouldn't surprise me if he lived for another month. I've seen him deteriorate over the last year and even I was shocked at how bad he is since Thanksgiving.

Edited to add:
I really am at peace with everything though. I'm not sure that it always comes through in my typing but I love my Dad and I'm ready for him to be freed from this illness and physical pain. I'll miss him, but I know that we'll see him again- there is no question in my mind of that.

Several things

I was in charge of dinner for 80 women tonight at church. I seriously love doing stuff like that. I think I want to be a caterer when I grow up. It went well. More details (and pictures) soon.

Tomorrow we're leaving to Utah. I'm going up again in a couple weeks but my Dad isn't doing well and my mom suggested that we come have a quieter visit before coming up with my aunt and cousins. I've been praying for guidence whether or not to go now or wait- I guess my mom calling and asking us to come was about as clear an answer that I could get.

Through this whole ordeal my Dad has had a great outlook. Life is always good, he feels great ect. The eternal optimist. This week he told my mom that he's ready to die, that he's now praying for relief. I feel like all that has kept him alive these last four years has been his faith and shear will. He wasn't ready to go so he didn't. Of course that doesn't mean that he'll die this week or even this month- but it's a huge shift. As much as I am ready for this, I'm still not ready. I know it's best for him- that he's done all he can do here- but it's still hard to wrap my brain around the fact that he'll still not be 'here' anymore.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Five things game...

So I got tagged by Bon.

5 Things Game
What were you doing 10 years ago?
Ten years ago I was in my senior year of high school. I was preparing for solo and ensemble practicing my guts out on the marimba. I can't remember what else- but all the silly, self absorbed things that seniors in High School do.

What were you doing 1 year ago? One year ago I was seven months pregnant with Corinne. I was running Ashley to and from kindergarten and mentally preparing to move. Oh- I was finishing up the Wilton cake decorating course.

Five snacks I enjoy: Ice cream, smoothies, popcorn, chips with salsa, pretty much any cookie or baked good.

Five songs to which I know all the lyrics: The only ones I can think of off the top of my head are Primary songs. But I know dozens of them. Well, I guess, 1. twinkle, twinkle little star 2. five little monkeys jumping on the bed 3. ring around the rosey 4. the abc song and 5. Billy Jo McDuffy would count right? (I swear I listen to "cool" music- I just can't seem to remember all teh words).

Five things I would do if I were a millionaire: 1. Tithe 2.Tell Steve to quit his job and let him invest/play with at least half. 3. Buy a house in Utah by my mom's new house (that I got her) 4. Take my family (that includes anyone who feels like they should be invited) on a week long cruise for our reunion this summer. 5. Buy a grand piano and a house to fit it in.

Five bad habits: 1. wasting time online 2. throwing my dirty clothes on the floor rather then in the hamper 3. yelling 4. procrastinating 5. eating too much bad stuff

Five things I like doing: (please reference the above question...) 1. wasting time online 2. sleeping 3. baking/cooking 4. decorating cakes 5. hanging out with my husband

Five things I would never buy, wear, or get new again: 1. Side ponytail 2. pegged jeans 3. cut off shorts 4. KB home 5. wedding dress (ha!)

Five favorite toys: 1. computer 2. kitchenetics mixer 3. digital camera 4. my car 5. my new house

Here's the deal: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot:

1. Pointless Drivel
2. Disparate Housewife
3. My Blog Is About Nothing
4. The Mama
5. Soggy Cheerios

Then select five people to tag:
1. Heather
2. Katie
3. Arlyn
4. Sugarmama
5. Lacey

Good news from Ashley's teacher!

Ashley's been struggling a little with reading. As of testing in November she wasn't where she needed to be for her grade level. Her teacher assured us it wasn't time to panic yet since most kids in first grade either get it right away and take off- or just after Christmas break things click and they take off. She felt like Ashley was almost to that point and was expecting things to click soon. Of course she encouraged us to continue to work with her at home. Today she sent home this note:

Mr, Mrs. P,
I am so impressed with the improvement Ashely has made in her reading. I re-tested her today. She finished at a level 12 - that means she is at a late 1st grade level. She started at a level 3. By the end of the year she will be at an early to mid 2nd grade level. great job!

YAY! I'm so happy. I've noticed a huge improvement too- most of it is in her confidence. I'm just glad that she's getting it though.

Something inspiring to share.

I just watched this and it is amazing. I usually hate forwards and forward-type things, but if you have a minute this is worth your time.
Autistic Basketball Player

Okay, pictures as promised.

Here is my kitchen. I started painting about 10:30 last night. I'm planning on putting my china in wrought iron plate holders on the walls above the cupboards.

Here is the Sliding door vallance. It seems too short? I'm thinking that's why it looks funny? Not sure. Opinions please? Also- that wall between the windows and the door. What would you put there??Megan hit her tooth on the playground about a year and a half ago. It died and turned black. About a week and a half ago it abcessed so we had to have it pulled yesterday (after a round of antibiodics.) Before:

After:She was so good at the dentist... after they gave her drugs. I couldn't believe how compliant and pleasant she was. She kept talking really loud though- like you'd expect her to act if she was drunk. I asked for some to take home- but they said no.

Corinne's newest trick is sucking from a straw. My huge WW cup straw even. Here she is just being cute. She also likes her tounge.
And here is Ashley at her family birthday party. Notice the cake? Same cake as for her 'friend' party two days before. We fed them the beehive and then I redid the top of the cake and put frozen buttercream transfer flowers on top. I think the cake was even moister after sitting in the fridge for two days.
And so that I'm fair and don't leave anyone out- here is Annika scaling the pantry. Yes, I'm the best mom ever. There were cookies, crackers, chips and fruit snacks. She was after the rolls. That'll teach me to leave that door open.
Whew! Okay, I've got a recipe exchange here tonight for church so I've got to shower and stuff. I've been working hard all day!