Thursday, May 18, 2006

And now for some honesty

A few weeks ago Steve was catching up on his journaling. He's not into telling the internet about his life so he journals in Word. Not nearly as fun for the rest of you. He says it keeps him more honest though- since he's writing for a future audience that will read it after he dies.

He's right you know. I have a hard time being honest with you all. It's the same thing I do IRL (in real life). I like to make things happy and surface and pretty and nothing is ever wrong and we're perfect over here at my happy house. You may have suspected it- but that's not necessarily true. Things haven't been very happy lately. Not happy to the point that by the end of most days I'm ready to head for the hills. Lucky for me Steve supports me in that and many nights I do leave- even if it's just to go to Walmart so that I don't have to do the bedtime thing.

It's 11:51pm and I'm not sleeping. I laid in bed for 25 minutes and my head was swirling with thoughts and I needed to write them down. I felt strongly that I needed to write them here. I don't know if it's because one of you needed to read this- or if I needed you to read it and to make me feel okay. (Now if that wasn't a desperate plea for validation I don't know what is).

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm having a hard time enjoying life. I'm not finding joy in the things that I used to love to do, I have to force myself to do most anything lately. I find myself not enjoying my kids or my life in general. I know when I admit it to myself that I'm depressed. I spend a lot of not healthy time contemplating 'how things could be if...'. I can't go to sleep at night, then can't roll out of bed in the mornings. Then I can't make it through the day without a 2 hour nap. (I'm not pregnant). When I am awake I'm irritated and grumpy. I feel bad for my kids for having to live with me. I snap and yell and am very unpleasant to be around. I really just want them to leave me alone.

So I'm talking to the dr. about all of that tomorrow. I'm going to ask for some prescription medication to help me out of this slump. I know (intellectually) that it's not a weakness to do that- and I wouldn't think that anyone else is weak for taking antidepressants. But at the same time I'm almost ashamed to say that I need some help. How sick is that? I'd be admitting that I'm not perfect. The horror. That I've had a really really hard time the last several months. That even though I appear to have it all together I don't. That in the family I must be the weak one who can't deal with this.

I've spent the last several months self medicating with food. That's obviously not working well. Intellectually I know that- but emotionally I'm having a hard time stopping. I have so many things that I want to do- that I enjoy doing- but I just don't do them because it's too much work.

Part of me is worried about becoming addicted. Another (shallow) part of me is worried about the stigma. Another (also shallow) part of me is worried about more weight gain as a side affect. But I've been shortchanging my kids and my husband and most importantly myself lately. Example: I am not a spanker. I abhor spanking. I really do. But lately it's all I can do not to swat Annika's butt several times a day. Does it do any good? No. All it's done is make her meaner. But it's like I can't control myself- which scares me to death.

So there you have it. My confession. I'm not perfect and I'll stop trying to appear as such. I just need to do something or else my kids and I are not going to survive this summer intact.

24 comments:

Alissa said...

I'm in tears. For you. But more for me. You just described my exact life. Do I need help too? HUGS Amber. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but um, know that our lives seem to be identical.

Anonymous said...

Hey -- I think we've all been there (or will be) and I do applaud you for seeking help -- I never did when I felt that way, like killing the world... Love ya cuz, me =)

Sabra said...

I love you, Amber. I hope you know that. I admire your courage in sharing such private, hard thoughts. I've been having a hard time lately, too. K is so frustrating and I just seem to go in endless circles with him and I worry that I've screwed him up with my bad parenting. I'm grateful that help is out there, in various forms, depending on what is needed. And I just wanted to say again, how much I love you :)

The Constant Gardener said...

You just described my exact life too. I know I should go talk to my doc about meds, but I haven't for the same reasons you listed. I'm also taking so many other things right now I do not want to pop another pill every day!

If you do it, I'll do it. Deal? I don't know about anyone else, but I think you posted this here for me. I needed to read it and realize that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Valarie said...

I love you, too. I admire you for being able to realize and accept that you need help. It's not that you're the weak one who can't deal- it's just that moms have so much more to deal with. Hang in there. I'm here to talk if you need.

QueenMeadow said...

((hugs)) Amber, I love you too. You are a wonderful woman, mother and wife and I admire your courage to admit this on here and to yourself.

Nettie said...

I am very glad you are doing this. You don't deserve to be so unhappy! One of the wonderful things about the blogosphere is that women can open up and share what they might be afraid to in the real world. We fear others will reject us, but I think in both worlds we'd be pleasantly surprised to discover how supportive we can all be. Knowing that doesn't make it easier. Thank you for your courage! Hope your apt. goes well.

Char said...

I heart you, Amber!!! It's hard losing a parent...remember the insanity I went through after my dad died? And we weren't even close. I'm certain I should have been medicated. Moving is hard, too. Being a mom to young children is hard. Point is, do whatever you need to do for your family and let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

(((HUGS)))

Lee said...

Amber ((hugs)) That made me cry. Being a Mom is hard. You have went through so much lately, I am so sorry. I have been in such a funk myself lately. ((hugs))

Arlyn said...

Amber, I felt that way a little while ago. I hadn't just dealt with the death of a parent, but I was dealing with my mother (which in some ways was worse). My kids constantly wanted my attention, I felt continually guilty about the state of the house, I felt fat and ugly (still do actually), and inside I felt like Old Faithful, ready to shoot off steam every 90 minutes. I just seethed with anger and frustration! I'm not exactly sure what happened to give me a release. I'm sure it was a combination of things. I had to control my kids' bad behavior (helped a lot by the marbles) and then I had to take time out to just be a Mommy. There were quite a few things that didn't get done for a while (like dinner getting started before Chad got home and did it). I spent less time with the computer and my other little projects. I started helping in Daniel's classroom. I found a friend to "go out for milkshakes" with whenever the need arose (arises...still do). It has also helped that Chad works at home and is such an AWESOME husband. I had to air some things with him, and then it was even better. I don't know what things would even work for you, but I know it helped me when I let go of some things and slowed down. Truthfully, when it comes to my mom, I still think I could use some therapy...anybody would! You're not crazy, you're stressed out and still getting over a big loss. Let yourself feel down and find a way to steal some quiet time for yourself. And PRAY!

Rachelle said...

Hugs Amber! I am so glad you are seeing a dr. It's not a weakness and there is nothing wrong with it. Thank you for sharing. I will be sending prayers and hugs your way!

ubercyl said...

I'm proud of you for admitting you need help. That's the tallest hurdle! I still think you're amazing.

Amber said...

Thank you guys so much. I feel better having just aired my thoughts. I actually had a good cry with my NBF today- that helped to (along with getting all my socks matched and folded and put away and my office cleaned. LOVE my new cleaning plan!)

sheri said...

((HUGS)) here too, Ambre. You know I love you. (even if I let my answering machine pick up just to giggle at your voice on the other end) I'm so glad you're going to talk to the Dr about this. You are NOT weak! Not in the slightest. I'm here, too. For whatever you need or want.

Becky said...

I know exactly how you feel amber. I was in that same place a year ago, and go back there everytime I think "Im strong enough" and I stop taking my wellbutrine. Your doing the right thing. Even if your doc doesnt put you on med, realising you are in a slump and choosing to get help for it is a big step.
(Hugs)

p.s. Tom Cruise SUCKS

Mama Darlin' said...

Amber~
You don't know how many times I wished I had aired something very similar to your distress! I feel for you in every way. Being a mother in any respects is such a tough job and you are doing a great job! (((HUGS))) Willing to share this is proof!

Lanell said...

Amber I'm glad you are seeking for the help you need. It is so much better than keeping everything locked up inside. I hope you find your happy soon!

NS said...

Don't even know you (found your blog by googling "dull women..."), but I know you, because you sound like me. I hope your doctor listens to you and finds the right med for you. Take care.

Lacey said...

Amber I hope when you read my next comment it's with the utmost love.
I relieves me to hear you're not perfect.
Now I know you know I say that with a smile and a big hug.
It's mostly that I felt the same way you have in the just the past month and when I blogged it I worried about what you might think of me... but I had to be true to myself... and not so many people read my blog:)
I love you. You are a wonderful mother and I know that you will be able to overcome this with whatever help necessary.

Jane said...

Amber--

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I have been down that road too. And there are some great meds to help you feel better. If you ever want to talk to my friend and have her do her holistic health detective on you, you can email me for her number.
It might give you some other options of things to do to help you feel better.

((hugs))

Hope said...

Amber - Please make sure your dr. checks your thyroid and your glucose too.
Depression also runs in the family. I have been amazed at how many have had to take meds. Cousin Amy once joked with me that she spinkled Prozac on the kids' cereal in the mornings! I don't talk about it a lot, but I also had a time when I took meds and it was very helpful. It doesn't have to be forever and it doesn't have to be enough to make you feel drugged or anything.
You are a good mom and a wonderful person and everyone in your life recognizes that and you need to recognize it too!
Emily and I were just talking last night about how messed up she is sometimes... and how messed up I am sometimes. We all have our issues.

Stephanie said...

I think you put this out there for me too. I feel this way a lot more than I should. Almost all of the time infact. I keep telling myself that it will get better if I just wait it out. I have some homeopathic stuff that I need to try, and if that doesn't work, I am heading to the dr. I just had my glucose and thyroid checked. It wasn't either of those. I am wondering if I never fully got over PPD. I do the same think with "fluffing" things up as my DH calls it. Making things seem better than they are. It sucks when you feel that way. Who am I trying to convince.

I want you to know I admire you so much for posting this. You are so brave. It feels good knowing that I am not alone.

Thank you.

Sunny said...

(hugs) Amber. I think the hardest part is admitting that you can't do it on your own, and you've already jumped that hurdle. Lots of us have been there, or are going through the same thing, so thank you for sharing. I hope you get feeling better soon.

Mommygoth said...

This really resonated with me -sounds like it did with a lot of people. There is NOTHING wrong with getting help when you need it, but it's wicked hard to admit you need it. I hope it's all going well.