And now for some honesty

A few weeks ago Steve was catching up on his journaling. He's not into telling the internet about his life so he journals in Word. Not nearly as fun for the rest of you. He says it keeps him more honest though- since he's writing for a future audience that will read it after he dies.

He's right you know. I have a hard time being honest with you all. It's the same thing I do IRL (in real life). I like to make things happy and surface and pretty and nothing is ever wrong and we're perfect over here at my happy house. You may have suspected it- but that's not necessarily true. Things haven't been very happy lately. Not happy to the point that by the end of most days I'm ready to head for the hills. Lucky for me Steve supports me in that and many nights I do leave- even if it's just to go to Walmart so that I don't have to do the bedtime thing.

It's 11:51pm and I'm not sleeping. I laid in bed for 25 minutes and my head was swirling with thoughts and I needed to write them down. I felt strongly that I needed to write them here. I don't know if it's because one of you needed to read this- or if I needed you to read it and to make me feel okay. (Now if that wasn't a desperate plea for validation I don't know what is).

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm having a hard time enjoying life. I'm not finding joy in the things that I used to love to do, I have to force myself to do most anything lately. I find myself not enjoying my kids or my life in general. I know when I admit it to myself that I'm depressed. I spend a lot of not healthy time contemplating 'how things could be if...'. I can't go to sleep at night, then can't roll out of bed in the mornings. Then I can't make it through the day without a 2 hour nap. (I'm not pregnant). When I am awake I'm irritated and grumpy. I feel bad for my kids for having to live with me. I snap and yell and am very unpleasant to be around. I really just want them to leave me alone.

So I'm talking to the dr. about all of that tomorrow. I'm going to ask for some prescription medication to help me out of this slump. I know (intellectually) that it's not a weakness to do that- and I wouldn't think that anyone else is weak for taking antidepressants. But at the same time I'm almost ashamed to say that I need some help. How sick is that? I'd be admitting that I'm not perfect. The horror. That I've had a really really hard time the last several months. That even though I appear to have it all together I don't. That in the family I must be the weak one who can't deal with this.

I've spent the last several months self medicating with food. That's obviously not working well. Intellectually I know that- but emotionally I'm having a hard time stopping. I have so many things that I want to do- that I enjoy doing- but I just don't do them because it's too much work.

Part of me is worried about becoming addicted. Another (shallow) part of me is worried about the stigma. Another (also shallow) part of me is worried about more weight gain as a side affect. But I've been shortchanging my kids and my husband and most importantly myself lately. Example: I am not a spanker. I abhor spanking. I really do. But lately it's all I can do not to swat Annika's butt several times a day. Does it do any good? No. All it's done is make her meaner. But it's like I can't control myself- which scares me to death.

So there you have it. My confession. I'm not perfect and I'll stop trying to appear as such. I just need to do something or else my kids and I are not going to survive this summer intact.

A couple of things...

I've instituted some new rules at my house to try to save my sanity.

#1 you fight you do chores. I don't care if it was not your fault or if you didn't start it. Everyone involved has to make me feel better about my life because of the fighting. (Yes, it is all about me)

#2 You whine the same rules apply.

#3 I get to make up rules as I go. It's my right as the mom.

Be prepared...

If you say at dinner, "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding, how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!" Be prepared to make pudding later on. The kids won't get the joke. They will however eat all their meat.

The letter L....

Ten words that start with the letter L- courtesy of Bon and the House of Chaos..

Seriously saying "think of the words with the L" makes it practically impossible to think of words with the Letter L.

La la la la la- does that count? It's what I feel like saying today, followed closely by 'I can't hear you!' (Yes, my fingers are in my ears)

Laptop- I'm loving my new laptop. Seriously. LOVING (another L word). I IM'd with my friend Alissa while 'playing' with the kids in the backyard tonight. Well, for about 10 minutes, then it was too freaking hot.

Laundry- The bane of my existance. I can't wait for the day when all my children do their own laundry... Ashley is learning this summer. I'm thrilled. I think I'm going to make her do the towels as well...

Lips- I have two canker sores currently. Owwie. It's from eating too much sugar lately. Have I stopped?? Um, no. Also makes me think of the Veggie Tales song, "I love my lips". "Your friends all laughed ... Usta?"

Lunch- The hardest meal of the day. I get so bored with it. I figure the kids must to- but they still request pb&j with the crusts off daily.

Law and Order- Show I'm watching currently

LOL- what I most frequently type on IM.

Lame- that's what I feel like 3/4 of the time.

Legumes- "A peanut isn't a nut it's a legume." Name that quote.

Library- Really that place scares me to death. I always forget to return books on time, or lose them and have to pay $35 for a $13.00 book because it needs 'library binding'. Not to mention it's a place that I'm supposed to take my four children- where there are lots of places to hide, things to pull off of shelves and they're supposed to be quite. My nightmare in a building. My NBF (new best friend) Emily wants to go on a regular basis this summer. Yeah. The good news? I remembered that my mom is moving here in three weeks. She has been officially nominated to go to the library with us. (Mom- I hope you're okay with that).

If you want to play I'll assign you a letter. Just let me know in the comments.

Writing it down before I forget.

I can't believe it's been two months since my Dad died. So much has happened and changed and it just seems weird that he isn't here anymore. There are some other parts of the funeral that I feel the need to write down so I don't forget- and that I want to share because it's important.

We did 'Memories of a Father' and each child got up and shared one memory of my Dad with everyone. It was awesome really. I've got eight siblings, an older brother and seven younger sisters. Which to me (now as a parent) is amazing. But growing up it was just life, just how things were.

My older (only) brother talked about how he would go to scout campouts with my Dad, who always seemed to be involved with scouts in some way. My Dad LOVES the outdoors. Loves camping and anything remotely related. How somehow sitting at a campfire you felt closer to God then anywhere else. (I'm paraphrasing). Then he says, 'I'd like to sing a song that my Dad liked to sing at the campfire.' My brother doesn't sing. At least not in front of people. Then he started, "Pine trees, pine trees, pine trees, pine trees, Pine trees, pine trees Pine treeeeesss, (by now we're all laughing and crying because that is SO my dad) pine trees, pine trees pine trees, pine trees, pine trees, pine trees, pine trees.

It was perfect. A wonderful tribute to my dad by my brother. I just wanted to share it with you. I miss my Dad. Really. A lot.

Works for Me Wednesday... Shoveling while it's snowing

My favorite quote:
"cleaning while you have children living in the home is like shoveling show while it's still snowing."

Cleaning is a constant never ending job. Some people enjoy it. I'm not one of those people. I have four small children. The youngest people are 3 1/2, 2 1/2 and 11 months. It's these three that are the snowstorm. By the time I have one room cleaned then next four rooms have been destroyed.

Another issue I have is that I moved into my house eight months ago. I still feel like there are things that don't have homes and like I'm still not organized completely- but the day to day stuff with all the crazieness makes it hard to get to that stuff. Anyway....









So here was my solution (here is where "Works for Me Wednesday" comes in):
What you need:
-one messy needing to be organized house
-one stressed out needing help mom
-one friend good enough to see your house in not a perfect (or near perfect) state
-two days with a 3-4 hour block of time (preferably naptime so kids will be out of the way)

We decided to help each other out so that we can 'shovel faster'. So twice a month we spend about four hours at my house 'shoveling' (yesterday we tackeled organizing the new toy room, the food storage closet under the stairs, the loft and the laundry room- all of which had piles of things without homes) then we spend the same time on different days at her house doing the same.

The benefits?
I also have cleaning ADD (self diagnosed) since I get easily distracted and can't seem to focus for extended amounts of cleaning (probably none of you have this problem) so having a friend there keeps me focused.

Also, it's more pleasant to have conversation and 'hanging out' time while working.

Two of us can work fast enough that several rooms get cleaned at once- before kids can destroy our efforts- YAY!

Also, I was on a 'cleaning roll' and kept going after she left and did a ton more. So YAY! There is my 'works for me Wednesday!'

For more 'Works for Me Wednesday' ideas visit Shannon at Rocks in my Dryer.

Mmm.. Mmm... Monday!

Round two.


For this week we have:

Tuxedo Brownie cups:


These are a hit every time I make them. YUM! They look like a lot more work then they really are and are quite versitile. At Christmas time I top them with crushed candy cane. In the summer a slice of strawberry and some melted chocolate or a chocolate curl. FABULOUS! (This is a Pampered Chef recipe)



*Ingredients*

1 package (19-21 ounces) fudge brownie mix (plus ingredients to make
cake-like brownies)
2 squares (1 ounce each) white Chocolate forbaking (or 1/4 cup white
chocolate chips)
2 Tablespoons milk
1 package (8 ounces) cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1 cup thawed, frozen whipped topping
Optional:
1 pint small strawberries, sliced
Orange zest, mint leaves and melted semi-sweet chocolate


Procedure

1. Preheat oven to 325. Spray mini muffin pan with non-stick cooking spray
(don't use paper liners) or grease with shortening. Prepare brownie mix
according to package directions for cake-like brownies. (I've always just
done regular brownies, not sure what difference it will make). Fill muffin
cups 2/3 full. Bake 14 minutes or until edges are set. Do not overbake.

2. Remove pan from oven to a cooling rack. Immediately press tops of
brownies with a mini-tart shaper (anything small and rounded about the size
of the middle of the brownie will do- but I recommend covering it with a
plastic bag or the brownie sticks) to make indentations. (You're going to
fill the indentation, so make sure you press down as much as you can). Cool
in pan 15 minutes. Loosen edges and remoe brownies from pan. (I've found the
easiest way to get them out is to 'scoop' them with a large spoon). Cool
completely. Repeat with remaining batter.

3. Micowave white chocolate and milk in and uncovered dish for one minutes.
Stir until smooth. Cool slitghtely. In large bowl combine cream cheese and
powdered sugar; mix well. Gradually stir in white chocolate miture until
smooth. Gold in Whipped topping.

4. Fill icing bag with large decorating tip with cream cheese mixture. Pipe
cream cheese mixture into cooled brownie cups. If you want arrange
strawberry slices and mint leaves on top of brownies, garnish with orange
zest or drizzle with melted semi-sweet chocolate. Place in airtight
container and refrigerate 1-3 hours before serving. (I usually refrigerate
overnight).

*Serving Information*

- Serves: 48
- Fat: 6.0 g
- Calories: 110