I know I need to blog

I have pictures and stories and fun. All coming soon. I promise.

If you don't like cake pictures...

This isn't the week for you. I'm doing cakes all week. Today is the bridal shower. This is the cake I made...

I like the general idea, but I'm still working on the final concept... for another cake another day. But considering I started at 1:19 am and finished at 2:25 am I'm pretty happy.

This is my favorite picture from yesterday's cake photo shoots.

Random..

More cake pictures have been added: Here


Cori has been playing on the bottom three steps lately. She goes up and down them and has never gone higher or fallen. She's a very cautious baby. She won't crawl off beds or couches ect. She seems to have depth perception- which in a baby is odd.

Anyway, today she was playing on the stairs and I wasn't thinking anything of it. I stepped over her to grap something and when I turned around to come back downstairs she was right behind me! She'd crawled 3/4 the way up the stairs! Acckk! I stayed behind her as she crawled down them like it was no big deal and she'd been doing it for years. Crazy.

Update on me.

Thank you all for your kind words. Really, it helps. I had to postpone my appointment on Friday for this afternoon because of some prior commitments I'd forgotten about. But I'm still going. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who's ever felt this way.

I have a crazy busy week. This is a copy of a post on my mommy board:

It's the wedding week.

Monday- finish dummy cakes and take pictures to finalize what my SIL wants (cakes done and covered- I just need to do pictures) Also I'm going to the dr. to do some annual tests for autoimmune disorders, talk about depression and IUD's. (TMI??)

Tuesday- SIL flies in. Need to make bridal shower cake

Wednesday- Bridal shower lunchen, need to make frosting and bake two cakes

Thursday- make the other cakes and make the filling. Rehersal and rehersal dinner. Need to make desserts for dinner. After the dinner I'm decorating the cakes (late into the night all alone).

Friday- wedding. Final touches, transporting cakes ect.

Somewhere in there I need to make my skirt...


I'm posting pictures of my dummy cakes on my other blog (that'll be up and running soon for real). If you're interested here is the link- but I'll be putting things up and taking them down all day. Amberlicious Desserts By Design

And now for some honesty

A few weeks ago Steve was catching up on his journaling. He's not into telling the internet about his life so he journals in Word. Not nearly as fun for the rest of you. He says it keeps him more honest though- since he's writing for a future audience that will read it after he dies.

He's right you know. I have a hard time being honest with you all. It's the same thing I do IRL (in real life). I like to make things happy and surface and pretty and nothing is ever wrong and we're perfect over here at my happy house. You may have suspected it- but that's not necessarily true. Things haven't been very happy lately. Not happy to the point that by the end of most days I'm ready to head for the hills. Lucky for me Steve supports me in that and many nights I do leave- even if it's just to go to Walmart so that I don't have to do the bedtime thing.

It's 11:51pm and I'm not sleeping. I laid in bed for 25 minutes and my head was swirling with thoughts and I needed to write them down. I felt strongly that I needed to write them here. I don't know if it's because one of you needed to read this- or if I needed you to read it and to make me feel okay. (Now if that wasn't a desperate plea for validation I don't know what is).

I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm having a hard time enjoying life. I'm not finding joy in the things that I used to love to do, I have to force myself to do most anything lately. I find myself not enjoying my kids or my life in general. I know when I admit it to myself that I'm depressed. I spend a lot of not healthy time contemplating 'how things could be if...'. I can't go to sleep at night, then can't roll out of bed in the mornings. Then I can't make it through the day without a 2 hour nap. (I'm not pregnant). When I am awake I'm irritated and grumpy. I feel bad for my kids for having to live with me. I snap and yell and am very unpleasant to be around. I really just want them to leave me alone.

So I'm talking to the dr. about all of that tomorrow. I'm going to ask for some prescription medication to help me out of this slump. I know (intellectually) that it's not a weakness to do that- and I wouldn't think that anyone else is weak for taking antidepressants. But at the same time I'm almost ashamed to say that I need some help. How sick is that? I'd be admitting that I'm not perfect. The horror. That I've had a really really hard time the last several months. That even though I appear to have it all together I don't. That in the family I must be the weak one who can't deal with this.

I've spent the last several months self medicating with food. That's obviously not working well. Intellectually I know that- but emotionally I'm having a hard time stopping. I have so many things that I want to do- that I enjoy doing- but I just don't do them because it's too much work.

Part of me is worried about becoming addicted. Another (shallow) part of me is worried about the stigma. Another (also shallow) part of me is worried about more weight gain as a side affect. But I've been shortchanging my kids and my husband and most importantly myself lately. Example: I am not a spanker. I abhor spanking. I really do. But lately it's all I can do not to swat Annika's butt several times a day. Does it do any good? No. All it's done is make her meaner. But it's like I can't control myself- which scares me to death.

So there you have it. My confession. I'm not perfect and I'll stop trying to appear as such. I just need to do something or else my kids and I are not going to survive this summer intact.

A couple of things...

I've instituted some new rules at my house to try to save my sanity.

#1 you fight you do chores. I don't care if it was not your fault or if you didn't start it. Everyone involved has to make me feel better about my life because of the fighting. (Yes, it is all about me)

#2 You whine the same rules apply.

#3 I get to make up rules as I go. It's my right as the mom.

Be prepared...

If you say at dinner, "If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding, how can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!" Be prepared to make pudding later on. The kids won't get the joke. They will however eat all their meat.